Faithful

So I'm really faithful at reading other's blogs, but I'm not very good at commenting on them or keeping up on my own.  I have the next 2 days off, which I'm super happy about, but I'm not usually very productive, even though I have good intentions.  I worked out this morning and it felt really good.  I did Hi-Def Sculpt by the Firm.  I really like the Firm workouts.  They seem to be relatively fun, but I get a really good sweat. They promise visible results in 10 workouts, which you do in 2 weeks.  (Same promise from just about any workout)  I did the Wave by the Firm, probably about a year and a half ago for about a month.  I really did see and feel results after following the workout schedule religiously.  Its a schedule that I can totally follow if I push myself, with 2 rest days included.  So even though the healthy eating thing isn't going all that well (I am writing down the things I eat though, and trying to track points), If I can get moving, I know I will see results.

This weekend I was at my parents because we celebrated my mom's birthday Saturday.  My mom told me the first night I was there about my aunt's co-worker.  He was around 43, in good shape, went to the gym after work last week.  After he was done he called the hospital and said he wasn't feeling good, and that he was driving himself there.  He died in the car in the hospital parking lot.  They believe it was a heart attack.  She's told me I need to get my act together because she is afraid that will be me.  Scott and I were talking later about how we can get me to stop going out to eat.  I confessed to him that I was going out 1-3 times a day the 3 weeks I was in clinical, and I put it on my credit card.  I pay the credit card off every month when the bill comes, but this has been the highest amount I have charged, and I had to add some vacation time to my paycheck just to make sure I have enough to pay it.  He talked about giving me a budget, etc, but he doesn't want to leave me without a card in case I need it in an emergency.  We also talked about how I can say I want him to tell me no to going out, but in the moment, I know I would get mad at him.  I can have great intentions, but when I want a certain food, it is like crack.  I don't care what he says, I'm going to find a way to get it.  My mom and I had pretty much the same conversation later.  What we decided is to try little things.  So, the 2 things we agreed on are: I am not allowed to charge fast food, and I am not allowed to eat out by myself, and if I do, I have to call and confess to her.  So even though its a Tuesday, and Applebees has my favorite soup food (Potato Cheese Soup), I am trying desperately to think of anything else.  Only a little more than an hour until Scott gets home.  So hopefully he can give me some encouragement.

Shopping Trip

Yesterday, Scott and I went grocery shopping and it was probably one of the better trips to the store we've made in awhile.  We didn't get the usual JUNK.  A receptionist from my Weight Watcher meetings walked by and I pretty much ducked my head and hid, but then I looked in my cart and realized that overall, there were pretty good choices in there. At least nothing stood out to me as unhealthy and embarrassing to have in my cart.

I had intentions of writing an interesting and thoughtful blog entry, but now I can hardly put any words together.  I just feel sluggish and lazy.  I'm going to have to work on that!

Blah Blah Blah

Blah Blah blah blah ljfldsjfdlaja.  That might as well be what I write in every blog entry I make.  I keep saying, I know what my problem is, I need to stop doing this and start doing that, and blah blah blah.  Seriously?!  I haven't done a single thing I have said I will start doing, and on the flipside, I haven't stopped doing things I said I would stop.  What is my problem here?!  Do I really want to have to order a size 26+ wedding dress?  Do I really want to have pictures of myself at this size?  No!  Why can't I change my life?  Why can I not stick to one single thing I say I will do??  I hate failing, and this journey so far has been an epic failure!  I'm supposed to weigh in tonight at Weight Watchers, but I don't even want to go.  This will be my 16th meeting, and I'm supposed to earn the hands charm, but I don't want to get it because I'm afraid the leader will ask how much I've lost...I would be so embarrassed to say in the past 16 weeks I've lost less than 10 lbs.  I have no clue what my weight will be.  Last night was the first time in I can't remember how long I actually cooked something for a meal, and of all things it was spaghetti.  I guess that is better than eating out like I have been.  I'm wasting so much money by going out, and I'm definitely not helping my weight situation.  Everyone who's ever been successful at weight loss has said that you have to WANT to do it, no one can force you.  Do I want to do it?  It seems like I want crap food more...

I sure hope I can get my head on straight quickly.......

Excuses

My mom and I were talking the other day about the things that were holding back my weight loss.  I kept saying "my biggest downfall is X."  Then I'd say well actually its X.  She said that she feels like I keep putting off weight loss in the hopes that I'll be selected for the Biggest Loser.  Well that doesn't apply anymore.  The Detroit open call is today, and even though I'm in the Detroit area this weekend, I wont be going.  Filming is going to be right in the middle of my final semester of nursing school.  I am willing to give up and put off a lot of things for the opportunity to be on the BL, but the one thing I wont do is put off the last semester of nursing.  When I finish this semester and graduate in December, it will finally be a new chapter of my life.  I wont be in school for the very first time in 23 years.  I can't even imagine what it will be like.  I'm excited, but I'm also nervous about finding a job.

Now that I've gone way off topic, back to the things holding back my weightloss...
After my mom said what she did, I said "NO, you know what the one thing holding back my weightloss is???  EXCUSES!"  I keep making excuses, and I'm not sure why or how to stop.  I absolutely HAVE to get myself under control! As I say that, I'm looking at the empty bag of Burger King I had for breakfast.  I disgust myself... 

I've got my rewards

Today I thought about some of the things I want for myself.  Some are little, and some are bigger, which is perfect for the different goals I have.  So here are the things I am going to reward myself with as I lose weight (and get healthy)!

15 lbs -> Sip n Go waterbottle  http://www.buysipngo.com/
20 lbs -> pedicure
10% -> new shoes
35 lbs -> Heart rate monitor
50 lbs -> Massage
75 lbs -> nook
100 lbs -> xbox with kinect
Final goal -> tattoo

Pain problems

I only posted through Tuesday last week.  I think it is because I made terrible choices that I didn't want to fess up to on here.  I was afraid of admitting my failure.  But that is one of the reasons I have a blog to write in, so I can be held accountable.  I am going to make it my goal to write in this blog even if I've had a bad day, week, etc.

My weigh in Thursday was a bust.  I was really disappointed because I felt like I had done better than the week before.  But when I look at the blog, I stopped writing on Tuesday, so Wednesday and Thursday weren't good days.  I gained a pound, and I just have to admit that I deserved the gain.  I keep finding myself saying, "this is the last time I ____"  Usually it revolves around going out and getting something terrible to eat.  No more this is the last time!

I got 2 bondibands in the mail on Friday.  I was so excited!  I sweat all of the time, and when I work out it is almost unbearable.  We left Friday night to go out of town, and didn't get back until Sunday night, so I haven't used them yet. 

I really wanted to get some exercising in starting today.  That is definitely not going to happen today.  Yesterday on the drive home, I started having some really bad pain in my back.  It just got progressively worse.  After finally getting home, I ended up lying down.  I was still in so much pain.  I was sobbing my back hurt so bad.  It felt like there was a sword piercing through my shoulder blades, and whenever I moved, I felt like the sword was twisting.  Scott did all he could, but nothing was helping.  I woke up this morning still in a ton of pain.  I called clinical and told them I wouldn't be able to make it.  I eventually went to the Medexpress/University Health Center on the campus of my school because it is cheap for students.  They gave me a shot of toradol, prescribed me a muscle relaxer and some other kind of medication for pain, and told me not to go back to work until tomorrow.  I took the muscle relaxer when I got home and passed out.  Thankfully shot of toradol worked, so I was able to get some better sleep than I did last night.  I'm still in quite a bit of pain right now.  Hopefully tomorrow I feel quite a bit better so I can go to school and clinical.

I am still working on making rewards for goals I meet...I'll post them when I figure them out!

(Non-food) Rewards

Ok so I totally blew last night...why am I letting myself  fail here?!?  I did fine when I finally went into the kitchen.  I made chicken rice like I planned, which was 15 points.  Done for the day.  Then my fiance is texting me, "I'm hungry."  I was like yeah, me too...but was I really, or was I just bored and lonely??  So anyway, he asks if I want him to pick something up, and I said it was his choice.  He asked me what I wanted...I said cheese bread...way to go Danielle, terrible choice.  Before he even gets home, I had one two mini twix ice cream bars...I don't even know how many points they are.  Then he brings home 3-cheeser bread from Hungry Howies around 9:30pm and I eat an entire half of it.  Yuck!  I don't even want to know how many points that was, especially because I dipped it in garlic sauce.

So, everyone's blogs who are having success have some type of reward system for themselves, and I think that is a good idea.  The only problem is, when I think of rewarding myself, I think of food, and I need to break that now.  I need to find myself some non-food rewards.  Any ideas that you guys have would be greatly appreciated!